IfThisWorldWasOurs

I’ve been on a serious hiatus from my beloved blog. BUT I AM BACK!!!

I’m undecided on my feelings towards the circumstances that have brung me back, but nonetheless I am appreciative of it.

On a lighter note, I can truly say that I am so happy that 2010 is OVER!! That was a seriously intense year, that I would not do over and possibly change a couple of things. 2011 has promise to be great, but who knows. I’ll just take things one day at a time.

The more current issue is whether your best friend has the right to know everything that is going on. I feel like major issues in my life, are always relayed to certain individuals no matter what. Particularly those who I call my best friends. Recently, a very HUGE matter was revealed to me about one of my best friends from a stranger. This has me questioning a whole lot of things.

1. Is our relationship going down the drain?
2. Why did you not come and tell me?
3. Do you think I would ever judge you?

More so, it hurt my feelings a whole lot. I feel like I’ve always been there to listen and it hurts that you couldn’t have told me this one thing. I guess I may be over exaggerating or maybe it will just take some time before I am told. I’ll just sit here and wait in awkward silence.

Ms.Zola

Dear Sammy,

I have ALWAYS had a crush on you since I seen the “I Like The Way” video. Of course I was only a little girl back then and you a teenage boy but I would love to get to meet you and get to know you. You are the my type of guy, you sing, you look great, you’re family-oriented… PERFECTION!!! Like just randomly walk into my job or something, so we could meet!

Ms.Zola.

To My Favorite Internet Friend,

I’ll leave you anonymous because I’m pretty sure you don’t think we’re friends, but I have grown to know so much about you because of your social networking. You are an amazingly courageous, interesting and talented person. I wish we were actually more than just internet buddies so I could actually commend you on your talents and share with you some of the things that I do that you would probably find interest in. But I guess just being internet friends will have to suffice. Secretly, I like the mystery behind you. Def not ready to solve it yet!

Your Internet “Stalker”,

Zinga!

Franklin,

I have never had the courage to say it before but here goes nothing. The six months spent with you are some that I look back at now and shake my head at my stupidity and naive actions. Never have I ever imagined myself to be one of those girls that would be caught in the type of relationship that we shared. I never loved you, but guess I was infatuated with the fact that you was with me. At that time I did miss the constant attention of a male and I guess I settled for it whether you gave it positively or negatively although your dosages frequently came in darker lights. Our relationship taught me how headstrong I was with caring for people. Countless numbers of times I came through for you, even though you complained about my weight, things I decided to wear and even insulted me beyond belief. And with so many details left out only you and I will know the true details of our relationship. I won’t make you out to seem like the Devil because there were those times where we smiled and laughed. It’s just hard to make you seem godly when those times were outnumbered by stress, tears and grief. You never made me dislike myself but did become the center of my life when I should have focused on more positive things in life. Through this you made me grow a fond admiration for my self-esteem; the main reason you were never able to completely break me. I am truly a strong girl. So strong that I endure not only the verbal abuse, but the physical when you decided that it was ok for you to slap me across my face. *sigh* I always wonder why I couldn’t react to this as if you were someone that just hit me. Instead I froze in disbelief and turned to walk away quickly to be smothered with hugs and kisses from you, drenched in your apologetic lies. And even after that I wonder why I went back. I’m just thankful that I got out before things got too out of hand. While physically there are no bruises, the emotional side of me still lingers. But I am proud of the fact that I am no longer afraid of you and the disconnection of you no longer makes me sad. I am not who I was back then, at the young age of 17, and don’t regret us being together. You taught me a lot. Thank you. I just hope that you learned from our relationship as much as I did and I pray for your sake and your next girlfriend that you’ve changed. No one should have to endure what I went through. I wouldn’t even wish that on my worst enemy. And lastly I want to leave you with a question, What do you see when you look in the mirror? I wonder if the picture has change from a couple years back. Mine has.

Nzinga.

Stranger,

We don’t know each other which intrigues me to tell you about me.

I am not just my exterior, physical aspects. I go so much deeper than my thighs, or my eyes. Further than my round lips that part and speak of serious issues, or laugh about corny jokes that only I think are funny. Please don’t judge me. Just say, “Hello!” I’ll talk back. I hate silence. And even though I always say I don’t want to meet anyone else, I LOVE meeting new people. So stranger, I am Nzinga. And you are?

To my dreams,

I know they say the human has an average of about 4 to 6 dreams a night, but I can’t remember the last dream that I’ve had. Dreams, make me remember something that can show me some light to these lately confused and stressed days that I’ve been having. I know that the only time I usually feel completely at rest is when I’m sleep, but lately this has not been the case. I’m asking for you to just guide me through this and show me something that will make me wake and be motivated. Please. I beg of you.

Nzinga.

Siblings,

It’s so many of us that sometimes I lose count. But here goes nothing… *Drake Voice*

Zuberi,

Little Brother. I must say that you drive me nuts, but ever since I’ve went away I have definitely appreciated you and miss you. I love to come home and see what you’re up to. More than anything I admire the fact that I can show you a good time every now and then and then talk to you about things that I can relate to. With you just turning 16 two days ago, I just want to tell you that I love you, you have sooo much to look forward to in life, move slow and things will come fast for you!

Binta,

My favorite sister. While I may sometimes be very mean to you, I’m usually like that to people I love the most. You still are and always will be my favorite. I love the fact that you’re still silly, but sometimes get annoyed with your constant seriousness. Simply put, I love you, your clothes that I constantly steal and the fact that you have no children.

Robert,

You’ve always tried to play the father role and I have hated it as long as you’ve done so. But thanks. I appreciate it. It’s kinda funny now when I come back home and see the way it kills you to see me interact with guys. Don’t worry. Mommy has raised me well and I am aware of everything that guys are about. I’ve made good decisions thus far and continue to do so!

Mercedes,

My crazy sister! You are a hott mess, but I wouldn’t trade you in EVER!! You have always been the most chill and let me practice my “independency” since forever. Thanks! I’ll be calling you soon. Hehe… 

Sekou,

I adore the times where we just chill and you may slip me a drink here or there. But those times are not too frequent. Let’s work on that.

Nakpangi,

You’re selfish! I love you, but that trait drives me crazyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! I thank you for your kids, which I love sooo much in this world. They’re gorgeous and I pretty much claim them as my own. Work on being considerate with other people’s time, feelings and situations and things will smooth over easier for you.

Jah-Jah,

I’m still waiting for you to call me so you can get my laptop protected… Guess I’ll have to annoy you and call.

Mommy,

Words cannot express the amount of love that I have for you. I have watched you bend over backwards and give up your dreams to help illuminate my own and my brothers’ and sisters’ dreams as well. You are a phenomenal woman that I admire extremely. You are a true product of opposing adversities and I only hope that one day I can be as great as a mother you are to me to my kids. I love you and still promise that at the end of it all you will get something that we read about in the books.

Your baby girl

Father,

I don’t hate you for not being as active in my life as I wish you were. Perhaps if you were, I would not be who I am today. However I cannot say that I entirely love you. It is hard to love someone who you don’t know too well and I guess that where you went wrong. But I just want to thank you for your recent attempts to be a Dad, although I personally feel like it is a bit late. But through your absence, it has taught me that I can be dependent on myself, and has allowed me to grow an even fonder love for Mommy.

Thanks.

Dear BoyThatIFantasizeAboutWayTooOften,

It saddens me that you don’t even know that I am secretly madly in love like with you. What makes it even worst is the fact that I don’t have the guts to say anything to you. I just want to let you know that if you stop and look around whenever you’re a room full of people or walking in a crowd and just notice that one person that is staring back at you; it’s ME.

Until then,

…

Dearest Tesh,

Shut up girl! Lol. Nah, lemme stop! But I have a couple of best friends, but it was without a doubt that I would write this one to you. We have been going strong for umm…how many years now, like 15. I think. But yea, you really are the greatest. We fight, we laugh, we cry together and then we go after them girls that think they’re slick and kill ‘em together. I love you with all my heart. Thanks for never giving up on me because I know how I can get sometimes and thanks for always having my back even before I realize that I needed you. You always see the right in my wrongs and always listen with undeniable strength. While college has moved us apart, I only feel the it’s brought us closer. And after we graduate here, we need to FINALLY go on our road trip that we planned from back in Anne Sullivan for after our high school graduation.

Love you Bestie,

Bestie!!

Lately, I’ve been coming across somethings that have inspired my writing a bit. So my next task will be The Letter Challenge thanx to the beautiful Taffy!!! Thanx lovie… =)

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT….

#ThatIsAll

More than anything, I hate when my Mommy says she doesn’t have the solution or can fix my problem. While she doesn’t say it often it kills me when she does. =(

#ThatIsAll